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she who grows backwards

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Hello, again. [Jan. 13th, 2017|10:58 pm]
she who grows backwards
It's been a long time.

I left because I felt like posting here was making things worse. Whether that was true or not, things did get better.

But for the last ... long, I've been coasting. Still without goals. Not willing to make plans or changes.

What do I want out of life?

I want to enjoy myself. With good friends and people I enjoy spending time with.

I still can't decide if I want someone to spend my life with. I'm open to the idea... sort of. But I still don't want to share.

If I were to describe that perfect life partner...

Someone who understands me better than I understand myself.
Someone who is capable of surviving the zombie apocalypse... or a week in the wild.
Someone who believes in continual learning.
Someone who is comfortable in their own skin and confident in their abilities.
Someone who is good with their hands and likes to build things.
Someone who is trustworthy, empathetic, assertive, intelligent, and kind.
Someone I find incredibly attractive.
Someone who communicates well.
Someone who brings out the best in me. Who makes me want to stay alive.

If I let myself dream...

I would move into my own home.
I would start skating again.
I'd go snowboarding again.
I'd try some new sports.
I'd go dancing.
I'd sleep in.
I'd cook more.
I'd organize my things and get rid of everything I don't need.
I'd knit and crochet.
I'd have a craft room where I could put together puzzles and wrap gifts.
I'd have a library and comfy reading chair, with a table for hot chocolate, next to a window where I could watch the rain.
I'd have a game/exercise room, with kettlebells, mats, room for a Wii and Kinect, TRX, foam rollers, dumbbells, and everything I want to play with when I feel like moving.
I'd have a comfy couch in front of a TV with a perfectly sized TV for the space.
I'd volunteer more.
I'd hike more.
I'd go play in the snow.
I'd go stargazing.

Nowhere in there do I think about doing those things with other people.

I wish...

I could express my emotions better.
I didn't have chronic depression.
I wanted to get married and have kids and live a "normal" life.
I could travel more.
I didn't have to work so many hours in a day.
Someone would want to break down all my walls so we could spend a lifetime together.
I didn't think so hard.
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(no subject) [May. 15th, 2012|10:50 pm]
she who grows backwards
Note to self: I am my own problem.
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(no subject) [Mar. 5th, 2012|09:30 pm]
she who grows backwards
The time is right to begin
Let's get going once again
For once in your life just let go
I'm getting sick of everything
Tired of what the next day brings

I think I'll go for a ride
I plan not to ever return
Let's run away from here for good
Forget this dusty neighborhood
The open road is calling and begging for us

Go roll down that window
Go crank up that radio
Let's drive until we hit the sky
It's not about where we go
Let's start living life before we die

Imagine the wind in your hair
Blowing away all of your cares
So take my hand let's plan never to look back

The sun is shining bright outside
I think I'll go for a ride
I plan not to ever return
Let's run away from here for good
Forget this dusty neighborhood
The open road is calling and begging for us

Go roll down that window
Go crank up that radio
Let's drive until we hit the sky
It's not about where we go
Let's start living life before we die

What I need is a long holiday
What I need is to get away
From here for good tonight
Let's fly away tonight
On this bright spring morning
Send our spirits soaring
Now is the time

Go roll down that window
Go crank up that radio
Let's drive until we hit the sky
It's not about where we go
Let's start living life before we die
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(no subject) [Nov. 20th, 2010|01:44 am]
she who grows backwards
Too tired to go to sleep. Man.
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(no subject) [Aug. 3rd, 2010|11:07 pm]
she who grows backwards
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Goin' nowhere, goin' nowhere
Their tears are fillin' up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dyin'
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad world, mad world
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(no subject) [Jun. 3rd, 2010|12:51 am]
she who grows backwards
When I win the lottery I'm buying a house on the North Shore of Oahu. And an annual pass on Hawaiian Airlines.
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(no subject) [Nov. 5th, 2009|09:56 pm]
she who grows backwards
I miss the days when I could just call someone up or knock on their door to go hang out.
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(no subject) [Nov. 3rd, 2009|11:23 pm]
she who grows backwards
Giselle was beautiful. Julie Kent and Jose Manuel Carreno dance so well together. Everything Julie does is soft and elegant and complete. Jose did such a good job supporting her every time they danced together. I liked Swan Lake's choreography better, because the first act of Giselle felt like it was lacking in actual dancing, but the production and direction of both were equally good. Then again, I guess since it's ABT it has to be good? Hahaha. The sad part is, there are some girls in the corps who stick out for being not so good - and you know they'll never become a principal dancer. Lol. How mean am I? But it's so true. Though there was one principal dancer tonight, who was just made into a principal dancer this year, who was not so great. She's got a long way to go before she's at Julie Kent's level. Hopefully it was just an off night for her. It all made me want to take ballet again.

Oh, but the story of Giselle... made me want to slap Giselle for being weak and made me want to slap Albrecht for being an ass. But I guess the love story part was beautiful too. Unrequited love. I get it. But damn lady, suck it up and live with it. And then don't go and try to help the guy after he totally cheated on his fiance to be with you. Hahahaha! Yeah, I'm not romantic. I know.

I also don't depend or wait on anyone. Yesterday I got an email with a 50% off code for tickets. So I bought a ticket to go see the show tonight. I didn't even think of asking anyone to go with me - or, God forbid, not going because I didn't have anyone to go with me. But it was a bit awkward this morning when my co-worker asked who I was going with. I've learned not to bother asking other people when I really want to do something, because it never works out in my favor. NEVER. So now I just go. But then, it was slightly awkward again when I was sitting in my seat before the show, looking around the house (which was quite empty), and noticed that I was the only person by herself. Oh well. The choices are to sit at home alone and be sad I missed out or to sit alone in public and enjoy the experience. Yeah, I'd rather do the last one.
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(no subject) [Oct. 31st, 2009|12:19 am]
she who grows backwards
There's so much I've been wanting to say lately, but I haven't had the patience or the desire to stand in front of my computer to type it all out. Maybe I should clean my desk. And my chair. And my room.

This week of "vacation" has been awesome. I still went to work, but that was it. Of course, it helped that I was the only one in the office for most of the week. I'm feeling so much better than I have in weeks. The sore throat is still there, but my body doesn't feel like it's been run over by a Mack truck anymore. And my brain is finally able to focus. At least for short periods of time.

Tomorrow is going to be busy. But I'm going to do my best to not make it stressful. And that starts with going to sleep right now.
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(no subject) [Oct. 21st, 2009|11:26 pm]
she who grows backwards
Ow headache.

Is it better to let myself get sick now or to try and stay healthy, but eventually get sick over the holidays? I do the latter almost every year. Maybe this year I should just let it happen.
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